Dear Ex-Husband

I never didn't want us to work.

I wanted you at home, engaged, involved, accountable and helping support us.

I still want that.

You said you would be that.

You said you could be that.

You said you would prove it to me.

All those arguments, all those discussions, and all those times you wanted me to let you back in. You liked the way we looked in the pictures but, we were just arm candy. You weren't willing to do the work but, you were willing to make the promises.

You didn't do it. Instead, you spent more time away knowing the people you were with were driving a wedge between us. Really it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with the fact you were there and not with us. The amount of time there, the late-night hours it was inappropriate. Innocent or not; married, a wife, 3 kids at home; hanging out at midnight, having been there 6-8 hours, not ok. My concerns should have been heard, my feelings should have been considered.

The fact was you were not interested in being at home. You were not interested in being a husband, or a father until I said it's time for you to go. You made me feel bad for having boundaries. You made me feel guilty for having expectations. You told me I was controlling and over-bearing. Yet you left each day for me to "work and take care of our home and family" and you left me no option and no assistance. You said it was my way or the highway and you left me no option.

You didn't come home you wouldn't. You complained about me wanting you to sleep in our bed at night. Your actions said you didn't want this life.

You were there too much. It was inappropriate. Then you wouldn't answer your phone. You said you fell asleep in a parking lot and didn't hear it. Then you said you would go on interviews and get a job though you never made it to any. You would say things and make promises but, do the opposite.

From all sides you weren't interested in me anymore.

Maybe it was because the stress of everything was causing me to gain weight. Maybe it was because I was spending more time with horses. Maybe it was because I wasn't riding around as your co-pilot all the time. Whatever it was I wasn't who you wanted to spend your time with. You lost sight of home. You forgot where home was.

You were more interested in spending time with the Davis's than your wife who adored you and still very much does despite the common sense that tells her to run the other way the hardest and fastest she's ever ran.

The irony is the last time you were homeless Davis's were involved just different ones.

I asked myself Why. All I can come up with is that I scare you.

I'm responsible. I ask for responsibility in return.

I'm accountable. I ask for accountability in return.

I'm faithful. I expect faithfulness in return. Even now you're the only man I've been with since before we met online (4/28/2015).

When God brought you into my life he turned my world upside down. I still don't understand his plan or his purpose. I know you were everything I didn't want, yet I was drawn to you even then. Even after I got to know you and logic told me better. My heart and brain have been at war since our first kiss.

You scared me. But.. it scared me more to think I might not have you in my life.

I don't know what the future holds.

Maybe you're happy now. You wanted your freedom across the tracks; from where I sit it looks like you found it.

You said you weren't interested in meeting anyone for a long time, when I was crying in the driveway saying that you would replace me, you said you weren't interested in a replacement. You consoled me. You said "no way" yet, here we are. You've found someone and oddly enough her name is my name. Not my nickname but my actual name.

Do you think of me when you call her? When you say her name does my face pop in your head? I can't help but wonder what must have led you to date another woman in the same small town with the same name as mine.

You have no idea how much I love you.

You have no idea how much I miss you.

Bringing you back into my life ever, at all, would cause such chaos and disruption, yet all I can think about is burying my head in your furry chest, running my fingers through the hair, and you telling me everything is going to be ok (even though I know it isn't) and the warmth of your body against mine and the safeness I used to feel there.

I'm not lonely if you were wondering. That's not it at all.

I was more lonely when you were here than I am now. You were never present. There was no quality time.

There is nothing worse than having a partner who doesn't want to be around you. That is truly lonely.

In the 7 years we were together I asked you for one thing and 1 thing only. Time. The one most precious gift anyone can give. Time is short, days are numbered and, time is the one thing that is never on our side. It's also the one thing you couldn't give me. Begging didn't matter that just made me less appealing. Demanding didn't get me anywhere even though I tried.

You would get me the best gifts the most thoughtful things, right from the start, but you never gave me the 1 and only thing I needed. Quality time.

Sweetheart, I don't know where you are. I don't know who you're with. I don't know what God's plan is. What I do know is that you are on my heart for a reason. There is some reason God is saying to me... "him", "him", "HIM" so I reached out. I opened a door I swore I would never open again for anything, and I left it for you.

The thing about it all is. You did precisely what I knew you would. You said, "I don't know". You said, "She did this to me". You still have no accountability. You still haven't said she acted this way because of what I did to her. You have never once said I left her home alone to support us, to care for us, while I did everything I wanted on her dime and her time.

If you had given me your time instead of the Davis's and Treasures and everyone in between you wouldn't be gone. None of this would've ever happened. If you had gotten a job when I asked for help because I was MISERABLE at mine, we wouldn't have gone through the things we did.

You sat in our driveway, and you begged me to let you come home. You said "you would be the man I needed", "you would prove it to me", "you would be the father to our kids", "you would prove it to me". "You wouldn't move on".

I said to you "Actions speak louder than words. If you want to come home take the steps and do the actions."

You didn't.

You blamed me for asking for help (something I hardly ever do).

You blamed me for asking for time.

You called me vindictive and petty.

You called me controlling and cruel.

You refused to get a job.

You refused to pay a bill.

You refused to spend time with the 5 of us.

You can't point blame where blame isn't due.

You moved on.

You looked for my replacement like I knew you would.

You still have no job.

You still are looking for the "easy road".

I scare you. I'm what you know you need when you look at what I stand for but, I'm not really what you want. I have too much independence. I have too much security. I have too much responsibility. You want to be 17 yr old for the rest of your life but you're 30 years older.

What are you going to do when you wake up at 50 to discover the one who got away who waited on you for years has moved on and your supply ran out?

What will you do when you find yourself in the same situation with someone who isn't as giving as me? None of that matters though, does it?

You're my person.

What you do, who you do it with, where you go, none of that matters.

You're my person and one day I won't be here anymore, at all.

1 day I won't offer forgiveness and ask for amends on the things I need to atone for.

One day all of this will be nothing more than a memory for both of us. 7 years of hell maybe? I hope not.

Baby, I'm still here, for now.

I'm still madly, stupidly in love with you. I'm still willing to fight for us if there is anything to fight for because I believe in you. I believe in us and, I believe God can change anything in an instant.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm ok with stagnant.

I don't need a person to tell me I'm pretty or to fill in for you while I wait. I'm not you I don't need validation. The only validation I want is from you. The only kiss I want is from you. The only thing I want is you.

I will eventually move on. I will heal sooner or later. When I do it will truly be your loss.

Right now you still have a window of opportunity but it's closing.

Your loving wife, forever on paper or not.