Just Keep Swimming - A Look at The Past Year

For the first time in over a year I can breathe. For the 2nd time in the last year I've been totally NO CONTACT for over 27 days. That might not seem like a big deal and many might say that should've been the case the whole time but... For someone who was as "addicted to the chaos" as I was, and had the "trauma bond" that I have ( I won't say had because it takes a long time and lot of work to get rid of it) it's a HUGE deal. NO Contact. Not contact with no response. 0 contact. None.

I can't lie, I was married to him for years and still consider him the love of my life even though it was a complete and total lie and he faked the entire relationship, I still wonder if he's ok and think about him daily. The difference is I don't act on it. I removed my ability to act on it because I didn't trust myself. The things of his that I was still paying for have all been disconnected and removed. His new phone number deleted. His social media deleted, and blocked (on both sides). 99% of the pictures of him in my phone - deleted.

I removed my ability to reminisce... I can't look at pictures of us and feel sorry for myself or how things went anymore.

It helped tremendously when my sons birth mother (who he now lives with) got him his own cell phone. See now, I can call my kiddo or my kiddo can call me whenever... there's no middle man. There is no need to "co-parent" with my ex any longer. So there is nothing left to discuss.

I finally got it. The day after Thanksgiving when he looked at me and said "I would rather be homeless than live by your rules" when the only thing I was asking for was him to get a job and leave the "extra" women behind. You know help out financially and stop cheating when he's saying he wants it 'to work'. The irony - he is / was homeless. He sleeps in his car and floats from one sofa to the next till he wears out his welcome each time.

After that it got better. But. Then I made a mistake. Right before New years... He had some stuff I needed to get from him (or thought I needed) I called him. - MISTAKE.. I ended up meeting him, in a public place, but... i was so over ridden with anxiety that i was more uncomfortable than I'd ever been. His phone was arms length from his face the ENTIRE conversation. He only made eye contact to say "I NEVER told you I wanted to fix it". I was so taken back by the statement that I stammered backwards as if he had hit me in the face. In that moment I had an epiphany. He hadn't ever actually used those words. Not since February 2022 when he was cold and homeless and realizing the reality of what had happened in the months prior. Since then there had been a restraining order, a reconciliation of sorts ( i thought), LOTS of interaction, and in hindsight it had been like before. He was around when he wanted to be, he called ONLY when he needed something (usually money), he never CONTRIBUTED. He guilt shamed me by saying that it was my 'boundaries' that were the problem because I wouldn't allow him to be around when the kids were home, and I wouldn't lie, and sneak him in, and I was still asking him to get a job. So it was my fault that he could never get his feet under him, i was holding him down.

That night, at that gas station parking lot, I bought him food, he told me he had no desire, i got back in my car and I left. I haven't seen him since.

It took me a few days to wrap my head around it all. A conversation with someone I hadn't talked to in a couple years reminded me of somethings and clarified some others. Then a friend of mine said "you can make it all stop if you really want to, you know what you have to do". That conversation with a couple others with this person made me realize that since June / July I was my own problem. I was the reason I still had a problem. Since October I was the problem. I was the one initiating most of the contact because I "checked in". Every time I did, I opened a window or a door for him to manipulate, finically abuse, guilt, shame, and degrade me.

January 1 & 2 I learned more things I didn't really want to know. I had more confirmation about things that I was better off not knowing (ignorance is bliss - but not really). So on January 2nd. When he tried yet again to duck, dodge, manipulate, and blame shift I stopped it all.

All of it.

No more.

So that's where we're at.

It's almost funny when friends call to check on me. They're so used to me having this "you won't believe this shit" story that when they ask me how it's going and I tell them 'it's been quite' they almost seem shocked. I can't blame them. Hell I'm shocked.

Like they say 'if a guy wants to talk to you he will' well... If someone wants my time and attention they're going to have to make the effort. I reach out sure but, if it's not reciprocated and initiated in return there's no point in wasting my time. I'm too old for this shit.

So anyway... as much as everyone may make fun of the song or the situation my theme song this year... Flowers - Miley Cirus.

Time to start moving again and get comfortable in my skin... 162 here i come...