God's Not Done, Yet - In The Wilderness

I was listening to the pastor I follow on television this morning and it dawned on me. It's been a year since I filed for divorce. So much has changed and yet so many things haven't. Looking at my life from the outside, you see there's a kiddo missing, another one is in MUCH better shape mentally, and things are 'cleaner' and more clear. From the inside of my mind everything is the same. I get up. I brush my teeth. I shower (most days) but, I'm still depressed. I'm gaining weight all the time. Nothing fits. And when I say nothing fits I mean me. Not just physically with clothes but me. I don't fit anywhere. I'm not really skydiver, for now. I'm not really a 'horseman'. I don't rodeo yet (my horses are too young and green). So, I really don't "fit" anywhere. I have felt like that most of my life. I don't even really fit with my family. I'm not necessarily the "black" sheep more like the "dark grey" I guess. I'm not bad but, I'm the only one divorced. I'm the only single mom. I'm the only juggling things and balancing alone. I'm the only one that doesn't have a big expensive fancy house. I'm the only one with 2 (not just 1) but 2 failed marriages.

If I had stayed married the 1st time I would've been married 26 years. In a loveless marriage, to a hateful man who didn't want me to pay my tithes and do what the bible says because he believed I was giving "his" money to the preacher. If I had stayed married I would be 300lbs and completely miserable.

If I had stayed married to my 2nd husband I would be married 6 years. (Together 8). I would be feeding him money hand over fist. Broke. Alone. Exhausted. "Fighting the good fight".

Instead... I'm 1 year separated. 10 months divorced. I see him sorta regularly. I still think of him as my husband. I'm 20lbs heavier than I was a year ago despite everything I try to do. I have 'covid' lung or 'vaping' lung from being sick and stupid. If i try to job it feels my lungs are going to explode inside my chest. Even walking up a steep hill hurts like my lungs are just frozen inside me. I know the only way to get them stronger is to keep at it but at the same time I wonder if it will ever really help.

I'm depressed.

My weight is out of control and that makes my life feel out of control. It makes me feel out of control. I'm not comfortable in my own skin.

People look at you and judge you based on your appearance. 8 years ago. I was fit. I was in my 30's. I was full of life. People loved me and wanted to be around me. Now.. I'm "middle aged", a 2 time divorcee (so there must be something wrong with me) I'm 60lbs heavier, no one has time to be 'my friend' and no one wants to get involved because they've seen what I've had to deal with. They would rather say 'poor her' or 'she should've known' than really try to be there or understand. Even my close family and friends, say 'she'll never learn'.

Have you ever watched someone you LOVE deteriorate before your eyes, while you're powerless to help them all the while they're blaming you for everything especially the part where you CAN'T help them? They have to help themselves you can't do it for them and yet they think you should. It's somehow your responsibility to them.

Those people who think "I'll never learn" have never experienced that. They've never battled depression, they've never juggled a mentally ill loved one, or an addict. Because if they had they'd know you don't just Stop loving someone because you remove them from your life. You remove them from your life to save yourself because when it gets to that point you have no other options. The love doesn't go away. It actually hurts more because they're still deteriorating and you still see it and you're powerless to help.

So at this point in my life I'm in the wilderness.

I don't know what's next.

I don't know when things will change.

All I know is GOD IS NOT DONE YET.

I have a purpose. Somehow, some way this is all going to make sense. This is going to be used to help me become "my best self". And... in case you didn't notice the bible is full of Black Sheep... all the best players were people whose lives 'weren't perfect', who miss stepped, or miss acted, those that people would look down upon and say 'how dare them' or 'why would they' some of those people me.... I'm just not thought about. I'm not good or bad. Unless you talk to my .... according to her I'm pitiful and pure evil but that just goes to show how judgmental and backwoods ignorant some people really are. It's easier for her to judge based off of words of people who have no clue what the truth is than it is to really get to know. People like her make all of this worse. Saying things like. You're supposed to be married to your 1st husband God says marriage is forever... Ok, so when did God say it was ok for him to cheat on me, then accuse me of cheating and make me have sex with him to prove I hadn't only to turn around and then tell me that I must've because my body rejected him?? Oh wait, She don't know that detail (and it wouldn't matter if she did, she would just agree with him because she's ignorant).

I don't really know what my point is. I think more than anything it's that God isn't through with me. The best is yet to come. I don't see it. I can't see it today. But. I have faith. I know things are going to change. I know change is around the corner and I know when it does the mountains that are blocking my view will all clear the path to my future. I just have to get over the next peak so that I can see when the clouds lift.

I'm in the wilderness. I'm struggling. I'm alone with God. I talk to him. I have faith in him. I don't need anyone's approval. I don't need human grace I have God and I have God's grace. That's enough for me.