Where Is God In All Of This? I Don't Think We're In The Wilderness Anymore...

So much goes on all at once the days start to run together. It really does become a question at times of Where is God in all of this? You've got the entire country turning against one another, the world has lost it's mind, people are dying from drugs that man made and others that make you wonder why in the world someone would want to take them?

Then you've got the rising costs turning a once abundant country into a third world disaster all in the period of 2 years. And the irony of it all is that everyone wants to do nothing but blame someone else. Instead of looking at the root problem and joining arms in unity to make it a better place.

You've got fighting in 'work' in that employees drive the businesses and employers think people are so desperate to work for them that they will do anything they say. Education is something people think is deserved and should be given but they forget there is a cost involved. Everyone wants something for nothing and no one wants to work for anything and those that are working can't afford to do anything but work because the expense of living alone is so damn high.

So where is God in it all? Did he take a vacation?? Did he finally get sick of us and leave us to our own devices so that we can just go ahead and rid ourselves of this world and he can start over. It makes you wonder. If you were him, wouldn't you want to start over at this point? Take a look around. People are crazy.

Each generation greedier than the last.

So when you look at the forest you can't see him can you? Hard to see the forest for the tress? When you look at the mess that's been made. That's all you can see.

Step away. Take a deeper look. God is EVERYWHERE. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

You might wonder what I'm talking about or how I can think that in a world gone mad. But, I see him. Daily. I see him in the kindness of the stranger who looked at me funny because of orange beenie while holding the door open for me because my arms were loaded. I see him in the eyes of my horse after we've gotten back from a ride and his mind is whirling from all that he's learned and those big ole brown eyes look at me with such love and trust because he knows I will take care of him just as he took care of me while we were out.

I see God in the rain falling that is now filling the creeks that have been dry for weeks. I see God in the sunsets that fill the sky with shades of purple, orange, blue, pink, and the blending together of it all.

I see God in my children as they listen to the paster with me because we're still doing church remotely because the one we like is 500 miles away. I see the curiosity in their eyes as they listen to stories of Moses and Noah and how God spoke to them. Stories of Daniel in the lions den and disciples in prison for loving Jesus.

I see God when my ex husband pops up and tries to pull me back in. When I talk to him about everything that's going on and pray for strength and courage and truth. I pray for the wisdom to see through the lies and the courage to recognize it for what is and the strength to get away from it. I pray for my ex that one day whatever it is in him that needs healing will be healed so that he can finally feel actual emotions and have empathy toward others.

I see God in my job. I see how far I've come. I see that my journey is far from over. I don't know where my life will take me. I don't know what God has intended for me. I don't know what path I will take a year from now. But, right now. I know I'm not looking at all that. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm thinking things through. I'm trying to make sound decisions. I'm working on getting things I need to be successful with my goals. I'm building goals.

It would be nice if there were someone to share that with but, the reality is I don't have any desire to get to know anyone. I have no desire to spend time with anyone doing anything other than what I do. I know how horrible that sounds. Trust me I do. But, the reality is I don't care. I am busy. I have children. I have animals. I have things that I need to take care of and who need me. When the time is right, if it's God's will, there will be someone to share those things with and if not that's ok too.

You see I've spent several years being upset that someone promised me something they never intended to provide. They promised they would be the person I needed them to be. The person their child needed, there step kids. But. They weren't. They didn't ever really even try. Instead they made demands that kids respect them when no respect was ever earned. They took nothing away from the kids had all been through their own hell and trauma of having their parents divorce. They just had no regard for anyone but themselves.

At times I saw God in his eyes. I saw a child hurting and lost from the loss of his own father in an accident that took him far to early. I wondered and I know he did too what type of man he would've been had his dad survived that crash. I know there is a deep seated PTSD going on there as well as massive Survivors Guilt. This time of year EVERY year is so hard on him. That accident happened the day after thanksgiving. It changed his world 35 years ago and he's never gotten over it. It's not an excuse it's just the start of a snowball that still hasn't stopped rolling. It hs wiped out everything good in his life and at the end of the day it's of his own doing.

I pray for him. Even now. I used to pray he would change but I realized i'm the one who needs to change. What I have to pray for with him is healing. He has so much healing that needs to be done.

I always wanted to be present to watch that. To see the changes. To watch the transformation but, now I know that wasn't meant for me to see. I'm just a portion of his journey. Maybe my entire purpose was to help him see things he needed to be healed from.

It's odd. I miss him. His pheromones. Even at times his hold over me. It's a strange feeling to know that the person who is ultimately your abuser and the cause of your pain is also your refuge from it. I know how it sounds and it's fine. Tell me i need therapy like everyone does. Tell me to get over it like those who don't understand do. But. It's true. It's the trauma bond, I know. It's stockholms, I know that too. The reality is it's the result of the person causing your pain also being the person to console you from it.

It's sad but I would give anything to have those big strong arms to sink into and hear the words "everything is going to be ok, we're going to get through this". I dream about it at night. Sometimes it's a dream. Sometimes it's a nightmare. Either way I always jerk awake hard, and lay their for hours before being able to fall back to sleep.

I'm certain I will always love him. I know he will always have a part of my heart even if he doesn't deserve it. It has little to do with him and more to do with how hard I loved him.

So are we in the wilderness?

Hard to say. In the wilderness God provides. In the wilderness God brings you the bread, the manna, and the water. In the wilderness God shows you what you could have if you left the past behind and went into the new.

So yes, I'm in the wilderness trying to find my way out. Our country it's a toss up. Half of them are and half of them aren't. My ex he hasn't even gotten to the wilderness yet. When he gets there he might learn a thing or 2.

It really makes you ask yourself. Where is God in all of this? Are we walking through the wilderness on our way out of Eygpt? Moses didn't get to leave the wilderness, will we? Will I?

I see God. I see what he's showing me. I know he's telling me my ex is NOT my path. He never was.

I know that there is a different story for me to tell.

I know that this is not where I end.

I know that God has a different story for me on the other side. I'm in the eye of the storm. I know that God is blessing me. I see him all around me. I talk to him all the time.

One day. One day soon God is going to talk back to me and he's going to show me what my path is mean to be and where I am going from here.

He's going to do the same for our country because God isn't on vacation and Gods not dead. He's very much alive and he's trying to teach us some lessons.

One things we've got to learn as a world nation is to get back to him. We've got to find our way back. Old law, new law, Jesus, God, The Holy Spirit the trilogy, father, son, holy Ghost. It's all part of it. It's all the key to life, growth, and simply how to do right.

Are we in the wilderness? Which one? That's the better question. We're definitely walking through a rough patch trying to get to the other side while God shows us where the food is for now.

One day at time. Leave the past behind. The new doors will open. Faith of a mustard seed. It's all so very important right now. Don't give up. Don't lose hope.

I don't even know who i'm saying that for anymore. I think I say it more for myself now than anyone.

I can't wait to see what 2023 holds.