Remember Me? It's a Question I Ask Myself

Sunday's are day of rest for me. It's something my dad ingrained in us after he retired. Before that he was like so many others and if the boss said work, you worked. I worked for years on Sunday's also. It wasn't until the last couple years that I decided to take a day to regroup for myself.

What changed? Well, I started reading my bible more. I started trusting God more. I started to witness God moving in my life. Before then I had been watching Elevation online in the car when I commuted back and forth to work. I watched anytime I could. I found a church 60 miles away that I really liked but it was so hard to get there regularly because of the distance. I know it sounds like an excuse and I've been told it was by many but... I was a mom of 3 at that time, a family of 5. Getting out, and getting going, wasn't easy, especially early in the morning when you had a set time to be there. Getting everyone in the car was hard and at that point in my life I wasn't faithful enough to follow through.

Now... I go to church online. I'm not a fan of small town churches because I grew up in them. I saw too much. The guy up the street that drinks too much and hits his kids but goes to church on Sunday morning like nothing happened. The deacons of the church removing the paster because his family did something behind his back and the kids at school found out before he did. Yeah, those things when you're young and growing in your faith weight your decisions. I like big churches. I like churches where you can meet someone new every Sunday and it takes months to learn who everyone is.

I derailed...

Anyway. Pretty much every Sunday morning I sleep in. Don't get me wrong that internal clock goes off (alongside the real one) and I get up, let my dogs out, start the coffee, but I always lay back down. Sometimes I sleep more, sometimes I scroll through my phone, but I always take about an hour to just rest. Why, would I do that when there is so much to do? Because.... If I don't rest, if I don't take some time to recharge, I'll get stopped in my tracks when my body screams at me and makes me do it.

I don't stay in bed all day (that would make me crazy). Usually by 9-930 I'm up making breakfast. On my weekends with the kids it's a good breakfast... Sausage, eggs, biscuits; this morning it was a sausage, egg & cheese breakfast burrito... I go a little heavy on the breakfast because by the time it's done cooking it's more like "brunch". But that's ok. By 10-10:30 I'm in front of the television watching Elevation Worship. That's how I start my Sunday. When church is over, I'll shower and start my day. I'll do stuff. But the stuff I do is to benefit me going into the next week. It might have 'work' included, and it might not, it really depends on what my soul needs that day.

Why?

Why? Do you feel like you need that?

Because I'm exhausted. Because the marriage I was in took a toll on me. Because the person I looked at every morning was an energy vampire. Because I lost ME. Because I need to remember me?

When I signed on to write this blog post the "remember me" under the login really jumped out at me. And... listening to the sermon this morning it really inspired me. I asked myself.. Do I remember me? For the longest time the answer to that question was NO. Hard, solid, NO. But now... now I'm a few weeks away from it being a year since my divorce. I've been no contact, limited contact, full contact, back again since then but... In doing all that I learned something.

I'm free. I don't have to answer to him anymore. He can call 100 times and I can leave my phone in the car and walk away from it. He can threaten to show up and start crap, but he has no right to be here now so if he does he will go to jail. I don't have to be afraid of the threats anymore. I'm free now.

It took me A LONG time to remember that. Now, here I am almost a year later and I realize my ex is right, I won. Now, when he says it, it has a very different meaning and it's being used to guilt, manipulate, and shame me but, the reality that he may or may not see is that he's right, I did win. Granted, I'll tell you exactly what I tell him, I didn't win, this is not what I wanted. I wanted him to be the man he promised to be. I wanted him to be the husband and father the kids and I needed him to be. I wanted our family to be the family he promised it would be. So, no, I didn't win. But.... I did. How can I flip back n forth like that?? Cause, I'm out. The kids are out. We are FREE! The money he was wasting at that amazon return store filling our home and our building with unnecessary stuff.. I've got the money to pay my bills, to feed my animals, and kids. The time he spent hanging out with other women when I was working, I have peace of mind. There's no one making me feel insecure. The yelling he did with the kids, demanding they respect him because he was an adult and they were children, there's peace in the house. Now if anyone yells it's me and theres typically a good reason and if there's not there's always a moment of reflection followed by apology for not keeping my cool.

Apologies never happened with him. I can't recall a time that he ever apologized to me that it wasn't full of sarcasm. You know the type, I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry, I didn't do what you wanted. I'm sorry, you found out. I'm sorry, I told you the truth. Yeah, he said those things to me. He didn't care. It was how he shamed, guilted, and manipulated me into apologizing to him for reacting to his behavior.

In the last few weeks though... I've come to realize not everyone is like this. I've come to realize that not everyone wants to take the blood, sweat, and tears that got you where you were before them and use them against you. Not everyone wants to see you fail because you said no to them.

Paster is talking about quite quitting today. That's what I did in the end. I think it's something we all do from time to time. But, for the majority of our relationship there was nothing quite about it. I fought hard, all by myself, to save something that God never blessed from the start. I know that now. I see that in hindsight.

So.... Now. I pray. God, don't bring anyone into my life that you don't intend for good. If a person has malice in their heart send them on their way. If there is deceit on their minds let them walk right past. If this person that wants my time and attention isn't part of your will for my life show me. Because Lord, from here out I want your blessing over every friendship, relationship, family member, everyone in my life, and if it is not for me, it's against me, and I want to remove it before it can get any further. Amen.

Now, God knows my heart. He knows the type of friends I need. He knows the people he wants to put in my life. He knows the plans he has for my life. He knows that he's going to use this storm I've been through for good. Because the plans God has are to prosper me not to bring me harm.

So now... my job is to remember who I am. Today, it's too rest and rejuvenate and prepare for the next week. Today.... my job is to be mom, daughter, friend, animal mom, animal partner, caregiver, teacher, leader.. today my job is to be me. There is no quite quitting for me. I'm not a quite person. I fight. And right now my fight is with myself to get back to the me I was before the narc came into my life and changed things. Today, I'm me post narc, which means I can use what God gave me through those trials to make the NEW ME even better than the old me.

I have the arrow of the Lords victory, no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am a child of God.

I know that there is a lot of work to do to remember who I was. I also know that I don't want that old life back. I want better. I want different. I've said it a 1000 times this past year. " I want different. I want better."

It took me awhile to figure out that going back to what was there before wasn't either of those. That the person who was there before was gone. That the person I looked to, to change, never even really existed. The person i fell in love with 8 years ago, was a figment of my imagination because it was just a role he played, the person who is forever trying to keep their foot in my door, that's the real person. That person isn't loving or kind. He says things to me like "I'd rather be homeless than live by your rules" (my rules are no outside women, and bring home an honest paycheck from a real job).

it took him sitting across from me in my car a couple weeks ago, screaming at me "I would rather be homeless" then after he said it he got mad at me again because "I hold on to everything mean he says to me" (his words) yeah... I do. When you call me a vindictive c*nt, b*t(h because I hold a consequence to action, and then tell me you'd rather be homeless... I've been told it's my way or the highway. I guess it is.

My life has never and will never have room for people who put my family at risk. It will never have room for someone who puts drugs over family. It will never have room for someone who puts holes in walls. It will never have room for someone who throws chairs across the kitchen out of anger, in front of my kids. It will never again have room for someone who pounds their fists in the hood of my car in front of my kids.

First signs of guilt, manipulation, anger issues, drug use, I'm out.

I want to believe there is someone out there for me that will be what / who God knows I need. I'd like to think that maybe just maybe there is a possibility that love isn't completely out of my story after everything I've gone through. But.. I'm ok. I really am ok. I'm starting to feel better about myself and have more motivation. I will be ok. With or without a special someone to do life with.