Divorcing Someone You're Still In Love With, Do You Ever Get Over It?

Have you ever had to break things off with someone because you knew you had to? Like, all logical, rational, normal trains of thought tell you this is what you have to do. Your head and your heart may not line up but, you have to make the most difficult decision of your life because, it's not just you.

My best friend and I talked about it many times. She would ask me; "Do you see yourself being with anyone else"? My answer was always and still is, "no".

Our breakup was a long time coming. In all honesty we really should've never gotten married. I was his supply. He told people that he married me for the health insurance. It was a joke to him but, me and the people around me never found it as funny as he did. I found out recently he'd been saying it again.

He would say things to me like "I love you as much as I'm capable of". What does that even mean? Do you love me as much as you love that ant over there or do you love me as much as Christ loved the church the way he instructed a husband to love his wife?

Ephesians 5:22-33

22 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for christ

23 the husband provides leadership to his wife the way christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing

24 so just as the church submits to christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands

25 husbands, go all out in your love your wives, exactly as christ did for the church - a love marked by giving, not getting

26- Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her

27 dressing her in dazzling while silk, radiant with holiness.

28 and that is how husbands ought to love their wives. they're really doing themselves a favor - since they're already "one" in marriage

29 no one abuses his own body, does he? No he feeds and pampers it. That's how christ treats us, the church.

30 since we are a part of his body.

31 and this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two they become 'one flesh'.

32 This is a huge mystery, and i dont pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way christ treats the church.

33 And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wie, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

Proverbs 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord".

Proverbs 31:10 "An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels"

What that has taught me is that my husband not only didn't love me but he doesn't love himself. Which I knew but, didn't understand. Not in that way. I don't think I love myself either to be honest.

I was so busy fighting for his time and attention knowing that was the one thing he would never be able to give me that I forgot why I was fighting for it. It got to the point that I didn't even want it anymore but, I still wanted him to give it to me.

You see I was taught that you fall in love over and over again with the same person, that's how you make marriage work. But, that's not true either. Marriage is work. You spend so much time with the same person that sometimes you need a break but, you have to be confident in your marriage in order to be able to take a break and not have a suspious mind or worry or wonder whats going on. I was never confident and it wasn't that I was insecure in myself but, I never had that trust because he never afforded it to me.

My ex was loud, he was full of anger and rage toward his family, he was angry with God for the loss of his dad at a young age, and he never felt loved or appreciated. I tried to 'fix him'. That's what I do. I'm a nurturer, a fixer. But... as a friend of mine has told me many times 'you can't fix people'.

I still tried. I put up with a lot. I put up with too many things from other women wanting to sit in his lap when I wasn't around for 'photos and selfies' to him jumping naked out of airplanes. Things that to me were just inappropriate for a husband and father to be doing. It was selfish and disrespectful to me, our kids, and our marriage. Those are things you do 'before you settle down' not after. If your doing those things you're not 'settled down'. That was a huge 'difference of opinion' that we had.

We had a few of those 'differences'. I'm very black n white / right and wrong and he's very gray. I didn't handle that well. Neither did he.

When I got sick with covid I realized how truly in trouble our marriage was. I was the sickest I've ever been. My migraines were out of control. I had no energy and a family of 5 to take care of. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't not throw up. I couldn't function. I needed help and my husband was nowhere around. My 13 year old son took care of us. My husband sat in his car in the drive way. It was about 3-4 weeks before I felt anything like myself again. I was working, helping the kids with their school work, getting them on and off the bus and where was my husband?? I was cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids and animals, where was my husband? He wasn't working. He wasn't cooking or cleaning. He was in his car. He was not home. He was never home. I tried to get him to come home but, he had no desire to be around me. By then the stress was causing my weight to skyrocket that just made him even less interested. His once thin, corporate ladder climbing, wife had now been deathly ill and her priorities shifted and she was asking more of him. His time. His help. His own wellbeing. His own self love.

His once thin, self loving, beautiful wife, had become insecure, overweight, stressed out, and in need of support and he didn't handle that well. He left. Hours on end every single day. He had no where to be, no where to go even but he left anyway. It caused arguments that turned into fights. Climbing on cars. Stomping on toes. Slamming doors. Cops called. Oh that wasn't the first time. Our marriage had been like that off and on since the beginning. But this was different. This was the end and we both knew it and neither of us wanted to acknowledge it.

Up until 2 months ago March 17th he was still saying 'I'm going to fix this.' He was till telling me "I'm going to show you, I'm going to be the husband and father you and the kids need." "I'm going to fix this."

God I wished that he would. All I ever wanted was for him to be the husband and father we needed him to be. I never wanted anything or anyone else and I still don't.

All things aside all honestly out there I'm still in love with my husband. No one else is good enough. I realize how stupid that makes me sound. I realize how insane it is to say it and I quite clearly have a trauma bond. But... The reality is, divorce or not, if he were to show up here today; I wouldn't be able to resist his charms. I don't know what that power is he has over me but he's had it since the very first kiss and if he were to look at me and kiss me like that again I would never be able to escape him. He was so sure of himself that day. He didn't even know me. He just walked right over to me and kissed me saying he had to get that out of the way and make sure we had chemistry. I was intrigued and infatuated with him from that point on.

Divorce or no divorce as far as I'm concerned in my heart he's still my husband. Does he deserve my heart? No. Should I move on? Yes. Will I? Probably not.

I still can't see myself with anyone but him. I can't even talk to another man. I feel like I'm cheating.

God can change everything in the blink of an eye. I pray things change.