Don't Stop, This Train is Moving Full Steam Ahead

I used to wonder what it would be like if people knew what was in my head. Now they do and it's like it was before. Sometimes they speak up and sometimes they don't.

By that I mean.... Not everyone can get involved, they just can't, they don't have time or energy for it. They don't have the resources. They themselves are stretched so far that they just don't have time for your 'petty' issues. That's what they are to some people, 'petty'. It's ok. It's all good as a matter of fact. It's one of those things where you learn to get along. I've done it for years. I know exactly how to get along, alone. I'm good at it.

Some people might not think it's healthy. Think about it though. I'm writing. I'm exercising. I don't keep a lot of people close to me which is fine because I have alternative outlets.

No I'm not ok. Depending. It really does depend on who is asking, when they ask, and why they want to know. I've got serious trust issues like really serious. How could I not? I've now had to get 2 (not 1 but 2) protection orders against ex's because they don't know how not harass me if/when I try to move on. Did you know that flying in your drive way on 2 wheels and blowing up your phone was harassment? It is.

It's almost amusing at times. People have said that I'm being petty. My issues are petty. I was given a child to raise for 7 years because neither his mom nor his dad felt like it. I loved him and raised him as mine because I believed I would adopt him. I believed he would be mine. That never happened. Then when dad and I broke up, mom says 'meh my turn' and took him. Like seriously just took him and because of the arrangement they had there was literally nothing that could be done. So the damage to him, to me, to my boys, my family, it's done. Hearts are broken, people are shattered. For what? Because 7 years later she said 'mmm I'm gonna be mom now'. Not that it would've mattered but a 'thank you' would've been nice. I took him in and raised him for 7 years. I love him. He's my kiddo.

Petty. I put up boundaries and said " I'm not going to allow you to hurt us anymore." I told them to 'do what they had to do'. I removed myself and my kids from a toxic situation of flipping back n forth and back n forth with an ex that wants to tear in here on 2 wheels anytime he gets a bug up his butt demanding that I pay for his phone, his car, and other things, because he doesn't want to do it.

I'm not petty. I'm healing. My kids are healing. I'm protecting them. My saying ' I don't care what you think' that's because at 1 point I did and you made sure that it bit me in the ass so I quit.

You know what I don't get? I don't get how people can do things like that. 7 years ago his egg donor (birth mom) was so consumed with drugs that she didn't care where he was, who he was with, or if she ever saw him again. She told me on more than 1 occasion 'as long as he's with you I know he's taken care of' she barely knew me. As a matter of fact the first time she said that I had only been in the picture a few months. Her father told me that I was his mom that she wasn't, because she wouldn't be. I was told that me and my boys were family. But... See here is the thing at that time, I fit the narrative. That's what I've learned. I fit their narrative. They needed a babysitter. They needed someone to do the work for them because they didn't want to. Not only did I do it but, I paid for it all. I never once asked them for a dime. I made sure he had everything he needed from the first day he came home with me.

But.. Me having to get a protection order against his father to keep myself and my boys safe, that's petty.

I'll tell you what I am. I'm angry and bitter. I'm praying for God to change my heart. I'm praying for him to turn things around. I'm begging him for a new perspective because I'm sick and tired of being taken advantage of by people who pretend to give a damn but, never do anything to protect the people they claim to love. It's all about the narrative.

So... This train.. This train is moving. Forward. Fast. This train is going to be moving head on into the unknown (as scary as that is) because this train won't stop for the 'petty' anymore. They want to make threats, ok, let them. I can't help what they do. I have no control over what they're doing. Or trying to. What I do have is proof my ex is trying to hurt me. What I have is the sanity about me to remove myself from it (took me long enough).

This train won't stop. You either hop on and help out or get out of the way. We're moving forward one way or another because.... I might fall down but, I won't stay down. I'll get back up and go again because that's all I know. I'll do it alone because it's my respon

sibility. I'll do it because that's what I'm supposed to do.