Fight Fair

Have you ever argued with someone? How'd it go? Did you take turns speaking? Did both of you get the chance to speak? Did one of you think they were right and talk over the other?

Have you ever argued with someone and thought " now I get it " not necessarily that you agree with them over what you're arguing about but that you see something that they do that irritates you when you're arguing and now you understand that you do it and why it irritates other people?

My family seems to think that I have to have the last word. Apparently, this is a bigger thing with them than I realized because I only ever notice I do it with them. I also noticed they tend to cut me off and try to not allow me to have a voice. Hence the reason I do that with them.

Have you ever felt antagonized? Provoked to anger? Pushed, not physically but like you have those psychological buttons that just certain people know exactly how to rub you the wrong way? I do.

I for sure am not perfect by any means. I certainly have my issues. I don't always 'fight fair'. I sometimes talk over people to be heard. I get loud and excited. But... I've noticed that if I'm doing that it's not because I didn't get my way, or someone hurt my feelings it's because I feel pushed, provoked, TOLD what I'm going to do, backed in a corner, or just plain disrespected.

I don't anger easily but there are those few 'triggers' that will get me every single time. Almost like a PTSD reaction too. People who have never been in a relationship where fighting was commonplace won't understand. Some people are confrontational, others avoid by running and deflecting all of it causes issues and there's only 1 way to solve anything "COMMUNICATION".

True communication. You can't communicate when someone decides they are right, and you are wrong, and your feelings don't matter. You can't communicate when someone gets loud and talks over you and try's to drown you out and use fear or intimidation to get you to 'be quite'. Years spent not having a voice has made me one of those people who WILL BE HEARD and not care what the repercussions are.

I had one of those 'not so fair fights' today. The other person thought they were being cute and funny, I thought they were being disrespectful and out of line. At first, I let it go or tried to. It wasn't the time or place and I needed to walk away and cool down. About an hour later I came back and said to them ' you were out of line ' and I was met with the reaction of ' I've forgotten about it you should too ' when I said ' no, i didn't forget' the other person became combative about the fact that it was an argument telling me 'I'm too sensitive', 'they were just joking', and they were yelling my name every time I opened my mouth to speak trying to get me to stop talking. This person knew when they said what they did that I didn't appreciate it, they took it further by making a comment that hit one of those buttons and always has. So, this was a double whammy. Then after I cooled off and made an attempt to let them know how I felt about it ask them not to do that again they became the victim because after i cooled off they were over it so I should be too. I'm not over it and I'm still not over it. What they said out of line is no longer the issue the fact that someone who is supposed to support me, love, protect, and be there for me wouldn't allow me to have a voice and didn't respect how I felt about something they said as a 'joke', that's why I'm upset.

It was a reminder for me to keep my distance. I don't want to be around people who don't allow me to have a voice or opinion over how I'm treated.

It was also a reminder for me that those who 'don't like conflict' often create it and run when it turns on them. And,... their was a harsh reality that came with it. I'm NOT in CONTROL. I can't always get the 'closure' I think I need. Tone Matters! How you talk to people matters. Jokes aren't always jokes to the people you're 'picking' at.

These types of things cause wedges between people. This was someone I'm typically very close to so the consequence of this is that I won't be around them as much and it's likely to be uncomfortable for a while.

The reality is they said I was 'too sensitive' now as a result I'm on high alert, so I'll be extra super sensitive for a while.

If you get in an argument with someone you care about maintaining a relationship with, stop talking, listen to what they have to say, don't listen to think of what you're going to say next but really listen to what they're saying. Try to empathize with them on what you did that made them feel like they do. Be sympathetic to the fact that you don't know what stress they're under, they aren't you, they don't respond or react to things the way you do.

Try not to antagonize someone you care about but, if you do. Listen and apologize. A heart felt apology and actually listening to how someone feels goes a LONG ways.

If you get in a disagreement with someone you care about fight fair. Take turns speaking, listen to the other person, don't shut down, don't drown them out, empathize, be polite and lastly apologize.