I'm Too Sensitive

My entire life I've heard "why are you so sensitive?" Then on the flip side of that I also heard, "why are you so judgmental?" I also heard "Your just mean".

Do you know what I learned? Those people that are telling me "You're too sensitive" were the ones that were causing my 'sensitivity issues'.

Lets just go back to my childhood for a minute. I had a prominent person in my life who loved to torment me. Not anything that would seem utterly terrible to others looking in until they saw the disrespect spew from my lips when I'd had my belly full of it and then that person got all 'sensitive' because they didn't like me standing up for myself.

Have you ever heard of a 'button pusher' that's what these people did and they enjoyed every second of it. As an adult I recognize it for what it was narcissistic abuse. What they did and what they still try to do... They look for that thing that gets you going. The one thing that will rile you up. What they want is a reaction. That way they can get mad at you or blame you because they didn't do anything - you reacted. Your reaction is the problem not their action. You're the crazy one, not them. My grandmother did this to me my entire life. She would then turn around and tell me that I was bi-polar because I ran hot and cold with her. The truth was she was a narcissist and took pleasure in upsetting me so every shopping trip, every long car ride, every time she could she would 'button push'. Then me being a hot headed, stubborn, stand up for myself, type would snap at her and she would point the finger at me.

It should be no surprise that she loved my first husband, still does. He did the same thing. I didn't notice it until we were a good year into our marriage but that's because I was sooooooo stupid that I married him at the age of 18 after having known him for only 3 months.

He lied, cheated, refused to work and blamed me for it. We were married 18 years. Yes. I married at 18 and for 18 years (my entire adult life, half of my life) I was married to someone who truly wanted me to believe the sky was green because they said so. When I caught him cheating the first time he told me it was because "i didn't give it up". When I caught him cheating the second time it was because he thought I was cheating with her husband. The scenarios are endless.

No surprise that by the time I got out of that marriage I was thrilled to be done. I didn't take any time for myself or my kids though. I bounced around. I'd date a guy a month or so find something wrong with them and move on. I went through several till one stuck about 2 years later. Then I moved him in and married him.

Surprise surprise he's a lot like the last one. Only this one, he works too much if you can call it work. Until he doesn't anymore. He woke up and said 'i don't have to do this anymore' and he didn't. Like the 1st one he saw whatever it was in me that said 'here let me get that' and they did.

He was worse that the first in some regards. This one. He was a narcissist yes but, he's also got other issues. I'm replacing walls, covering up holes, patching floors, redoing bathrooms, repairing table tops, because between the rage outbreaks and mr fix it, DIY, youtube repair patches, and who knows what else. I've got about 13 years worth of put off, damages to repair in the home, and the house.

Just in case I need to clarify in the home means me and the kids in the house means the house.

All 3 of these people have one thing in common. They have others around me believing that "I'm too sensitive". I've heard them say it, they've said it to me. They truly believe it. I'm the sensitive one. None of them were around when husband number 2 didn't like it when I asked him not to smoke pot in the house and I stood up to him when he blew up over it to the point that it ended up with me in the floor balling my eyes out as he stood over me screaming. None of them were around when my first husband made me have sex with him to prove I wasn't cheating on him. None of them were around for that part. What they saw was the pent up frustration. The release in a safe space. The barking, snapping comments when they poked fun. They will never know that it's a PTSD trigger because I'll do my best to make sure they don't . They'll never know the things I went through alone in my marriages. They may see me balling on the floor after a momentary break. They may hear me yelling to be heard because they too won't allow me to speak. But.. They won't know the triggers. I pray they never know the triggers. I pray they never have a clue what it's like to be 'too sensitive'.

I'm too sensitive and that's ok. I'm ok being too sensitive. I pray to God Almighty in Heaven above that I stay too sensitive. I pray that my sensitivity protects me and my boys from anyone who try to do us harm again. I ask God to use my triggers and my sensitivity as a warning system. To teach us, to lead me, to protect us. To help me to see things others can't. To pay attention to red flags and listen to my heart when God says don't talk to them.

I'm learning. I'm learning that it's ok to not have people in my life. I'm learning that it's ok to say no. I'm learning that it's ok to be alone. I'm learning it's ok to be "too sensitive". Sometimes being 'too sensitive' protects you from abuse.