I Think Today Was Probably Harder For Me Than For Him

I could be wrong. I'm definitely making an assumption but... What if it was? What if he's moved on and I'm still sitting here like some stupid teenager hopelessly in love with the town idiot, waiting on him to show up as a knight in shining armor and whisk her away at sunset.

Stupid, hu? Well, that's how I feel sometimes. The reality is that those times are becoming shorter and shorter and fewer and farther between.

Like I've said before I'm over him but I'm not over it. I'm not over either but I'm getting there.

This is the first 'event' that I've missed in 7 years. There are going to be others. There is no way that won't happen. He isn't going to be here for our anniversary we don't have one anymore. He isn't going to show up at my birthday and if he did he would probably just start trouble.

See I'm not romanticizing stuff anymore either. I know this person as well as anyone can. Which isn't very well at all. I learned yesterday he had given marriage advice to a new jumper and then look what happened he did exactly what he told that guy not to. He caught AIDS - Altitude Induced Divorce Syndrome. At the time he gave the advice he meant it. A year later, not so much.

I've had so many deep conversations the last few days. I've come to realize that my guy... my guy doesn't exist anymore. He did, it was great when he did. He was that guy that I wanted to spend time with. He was that guy that I went places and did things with. He was the cool fun guy and I LOVED that guy.

Over the years that version came and went. I would have him for months at the time but it never really lasted. Something or someone always came up and got between us and he would run straight to them. This time it wasn't just one or the other it was a group. The group I've dubbed the Davis's and not the ones you'd think no these were local. It started with one of them and it was oh i met this guy and he lives down the road and he helped me with my car. Then he's hanging out with that guy. Then it's oh i met his brother and he's doing this and this and his wifes mom lives with them and now he's picking them up and taking them places because they're car is in the shop. What were they doing before they met my guy? Before I knew what was happening there was this whole clan and I knew what kind of people they were and I knew what they were doing and I didn't want him or my son to be involved and yet here they were hanging out every chance they got.

Next thing I know he's not coming home he's with them 10,12,16 hours a day. Then we're splitting up. Then it gets worse. Cops come looking for them because one of them is wanted for car theft and my guy was seen around town with him. Then we lie about that even after I spoke to the cops who knocked on my door.

I'm sorry but, when you lie all the time to my face and someone comes looking for your cause you've been seen with someone who's breaking the law and then you get mad cause you say I believe them over you.... yeah... duh.

I wish I had a penny for every time over the last 7 years that I said "I don't want that shit in my life". I would be rich. So many things, so many different times.

I swear one day I'm actually going to put everything in a book or a movie play write or something. We gotta see where this story ends first though.

So back to my point. I probably struggled with today more than he did. He probably didn't even miss me. I'm over here mourning someone that only exists in spurts while the real him, the one that wants no responsibilities, the one who kicked his family to the curb so that he could run around with the trashiest part of the town. I'm sorry but I don't want cops knocking on my door for any reason.

I'm not ok with the life that I had with him. I'm not ok with the experiences that he gave me no choice about. I'm not ok with the things that I was forced to give up my morals for. I'm not ok with things my kids heard and saw. I'm not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok.

People talk about things you give up with a narcissist. My guy was very covert. If it fit his agenda he was completely supportive and totally the guy you needed but if it didn't he would start a fight so that he could run away and blame me for it. He would blame everything he could on me. I called him a narcissist once when we split up in a few years ago. He wasn't sure why or exactly what it was because like most people he thought that it was just about vanity but when he read it and he really understood what it was he was determined that from then out he wasn't the narcissist I was because I wanted normal. Narcissists don't know normal. They can't live normal and they don't have normal.

See that's the thing. People think they know but they don't. They don't see the whole picture. Take our life for example. Family, Friends locally, Friends in activities, Mutual friends, acquaintances, shady people. Those are the categories. So each of those knows a different version of him. Family and friends, they got the real him because they got me. Friends in activities they see a little of the real him but not much, they got enough to know something isn't quite right. Then you got acquaintances and shady people these are the ones he actually spends the most time with because these are the ones that he uses to avoid me. They hear the comments. They hear the behind-the-back, offhanded that bitch ex-wife, "the wife", that's how I'm known. In town, I don't have a name I'm "the wife".

The great thing about it though is eventually all of that comes out. God says "what's done the dark will come to the light"; "no weapon formed against you shall prosper"; "let no man come between you". My man was the man that came between us.

See the thing is if I were to actually talk to him things would go badly. Not talking to him the things are all in my head. I just sound crazy and there's really no one to judge me except me and those that I actually talk to that know me.

So, did he have a better day than me? Probably so because he didn't spend it pining over a life he will never have. He spent in it the life he's making with the supply he replaced me with.

This should get interesting fast.