Keeping the Faith and Not be Negative When Your Surrounded With Struggles - We All Have Bad Days

I've had one of the worst weeks. When I say week I mean 7 day time frame not Sunday to Saturday actual week. The last few days have just been AGHHHHHHHHHHH. Actually I think if I could scream or cry or throw a fit I might actually feel better but, will I? It won't solve anything. I'm not sure that there is anything going on that can solve anything anyway.

I'm normally pretty upbeat or at least I like to think I am and, you would think hey she got her shower fixed why isn't she happy? That's kinda when the bad mood hit I guess. I don't know maybe I'm just moody. OR!! Maybe I"m hormonal. I'm retaining water which isn't helping my mood at all so that could be something.

All I know is that around Tuesday last week some things took a turn and the closer it got to Monday this week the worse it got. Sunday my puppy was involved in killing a chicken so now my truck / barn dog is semi permanently grounded from the barn which just really sucks considering how much time I spend down there. It was actually my parents puppy who has been trying to chase them for a while but, when you've got 2 together like that and one is doing something the other is going to jump in it too. So of course the fun is messed up.

The stress really began the week before when there was an incident with a family member that caused a lot of chaos. Everyone is fine and all but it ended up having to be settled in court. Court was Monday and seeing this person has really just been an upsetting experience. I've never seen them like this. I've never seen them look so bad. It breaks my heart. It's their choice and I know that because they have options and they chose not to get help, take help, and do right. I understand that. They're version of doing right and mine are very different. I understand that too. I also understand that you can only help someone so much you can't do it for them and you have to take of the ones that you're responsible for. As adults we're responsible for ourselves and our offspring not other adults. But.... it still sucks.

I'm a fixer. I want to help everyone and fix everything and make all things better and blah blah blah but, the reality is there is a hard lesson to be learned with all that and, the lesson for me has been I'm not God. I can't do it. I'm not qualified. I can't make someone want to change. I can't make someone want to stand on their own 2 feet. I can't make anyone anything.

I tried. I really did. I tried to help. For months after I called it quits with them I still tried. I let them come over. I helped them set up their meds every week. I did it until I couldn't anymore. It had gotten to the point that every time we talked it was an argument because there was never a conversation that they didn't try to get something else from me. It didn't matter what it was big or small. This person has always been a taker and when i wasn't there for them to take on a daily basis they went down hill. Yes, I feel responsible. No, I shouldn't. But.. I care about this person and I hate seeing them like this. I don't want to do the things I'm having to do now.

I want normal. I'm starting to wonder if I even know what normal is anymore. I haven't seen normal in so long what does it even look like?

Peace. Quite. The storms to pass. That's what I want.

Since then it's been rough. Since then it's been one of those days. Yesterday a job I wanted fell through. Monday was the court thing. Sunday was the chicken thing. Saturday we actually finished the shower but, not the floor, the shower is done not the bathroom. Friday tried to get the shower operational. Thursday plumber finished his part and we saw that bill. Wednesday was day 1 of the plumber and the shower mess part 2.

I'm looking at this all pessimistically and I realize that. I understand. I know I don't have the right of mind. I also know the words "trauma bond" and I understand the roller coaster that is going to be 'me' until I find a way to heal from it all. I understand that stuffing it down and trying to ignore it isn't going to make it go away. I understand that I've developed new 'triggers' that will probably follow me the rest of my life. Hopefully I've learned how to spot a few things to keep from finding myself in a bad situation again.

I think the best thing for me right now is to stay away from people.

I don't know what God's plan is for me but, working remote for the last 2 years has changed my perspective on a lot of things. Wasting money on gas to drive to an office where I wasn't needed onsite for 2 years isn't going to be a thing for me anymore. Taking a shot, I don't need for a virus I already had, not going to happen. Standing up for myself and my children with this madness, that will happen. It'll happen if it means that for the next several years while I get them out graduated that I sell everything extra I can find and use ever little bit that God gives me. Cause with God all things are possible. Through God all things are possible. I am a child of God. I will be ok. I will survive this. I will heal. My boys will heal. What was taken from us will be restored. God is a way maker. He is a miracle worker. With a mustard seed of faith, a little flour and oil there will be enough.

I don't know the plan. I don't know the way. I just know that things have got to get better. I just wish I knew when. We all have bad days.

Stick with me through my journey and you watch as my story unfolds. There will be a miracle here. You'll see. Subscribe now to keep up to date.