Moving Along

Wow, I'm so excited. Last week I was starting to have some doubts and I was letting fear creep in. This week I log on this morning to find that someone actually subscribed. It's SOOOO amazing. Not only do I have love and support but someone actually authenticated that in form of a subscription. They could cancel that plan tomorrow and I wouldn't care because they took the time and money to support me even if only for a few days.

God is good.

Y'all I have some much going on in my life right now. So much, so many people don't even know and quite frankly I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone. These renovations projects I've got going half of them aren't just to fix things that have been neglected, or update things that are past their time, it's more than that. It's symbolic of moving on and starting over.

Do you know what it's like to be married to not 1 but 2 narcissists? After having grown up with one? I'm starting to feel like I'm doomed to make terrible choices like I have some underlying desire to be hurt constantly and treated poorly.

Husband #1 cheated endlessly. Husband #2 couldn't see past himself no matter what was going on. Both lied relentlessly and still do. Husband #1 20,000 behind in child support and even with the dead-beat dad laws in place there is little I can do about it because of our specific situation. Husband #2 spent 20,000 needlessly on stuff, nothing in particular, just stuff, and then he hoarded it. An old car in the driveway that needs to go, crammed full, the building out back, crammed full, even my home, full.

Any idea what it's like to live with a narcissistic hoarder? I'm telling you, you can't imagine. Can I say that either of them are bad people? No, not really. They've done and they do bad things but, I don't believe they're bad people. Can I say that they've done anything purposefully to hurt me or the kids? Yes, I can. Can I say that they blamed us for their actions? Yes, I can.

I learned something growing up. Someone very close to me was always concerned with their appearance and what people thought of them. I thought for a long time that I needed to be also. I was. So much so that it made me fat, lonely, miserable and boy crazy. Yeah. I was told so often that I needed to watch what I ate that it would make me fat that I ate everything I could get my hands on. I think sometimes now I have an eating disorder. I binge eat. At times I purge but, mostly I just stuff my face. Like this weekend. I don't know why. I ran a mile every day this week but Saturday, stuck in the house, cold, rainy, I ate. Sunday, same. I ate till I was miserable and then I ate some more. My brain and my stomach are like a bad marriage. They don't ever communicate.

I used to blame people but, I learned I can't do that, not really. I'm too sensitive, or so I'm told. I'm sorry but, when your constantly told your going to get fat and you look in the mirror and know you already are fat you realize that its their way of telling your fat without saying it. Or thats how I took it.

I digress.

My point to all this. My life has been a result of my bad choices. I get that. As an adult I have more judges and jurors against me than I've ever had for me until today. Today renewed and refreshed my spirit. There is someone out there on my team. Someone that has 2 legs, not 4. Someone actually gives a flip about me. I don't know why. Maybe I am too sensitive. But for today, if only for today. This seems worth while. I've been at it a month now. I've been without a job a month. I've been on 'vacation' a month. It's time to start bringing some money in. It's time to put this thing to work. It's time to start doing something and making a difference.