The Fat Lady Sang, Turns Out Her Name Is The Same As Mine, Who knew?

I'm beginning to wonder why I even do this anymore. It's only got a couple of views here and there and its a constant push to promote it and for what? There is 0 return on investment. So, like yet another failing small business I'll watch my little dream to be a writer tank and move back into something more 'regular' soon.

I've been watching a lot of Gray's Anatomy lately. When I write I've started hearing Meridith's voice as the narrator.

He's moved on. HIs lies are coming out. "Homeless" guy isn't so homeless. He's got a sofa and girl with my NAME in MY HOMETOWN that he's been parading around in front of our 'mutual' friends and somehow managed to call my friend (not his) and share his news.

He'd told me he wouldn't be looking for my replacement for a 'very, very' long time, each time he was gone 12/14/16 hours a day refusing to get a job, refusing to come home. I knew. I've always known about the 'other women' he used to 'boost his ego' when I made him do something he didn't want to do. So now he goes and he finds a girl with the same name as me to parade around my hometown.

He clearly got new fishing gear. I mean he did take her to 'our lake' fishing.

The thing with narcissistic abuse and manipulation one of the big things they do is point out things you do in response to them, and tell you that you're the crazy one. Here I am 5:15am I woke up 2 hours ago, couldn't go back to sleep, exhausted as hell, and yet here i am. Writing about him.

He's won yet again.

I'm over here addicted to this drug that is him and it's all in my imagination. He never even existed and while I know that I still can't let go of the alternate universe that I loved. The love bombing as they call it in the abuse recovery world was amazing. The little gifts of affection. The music box that says " to my gorgeous wife I loved you then, I love you still, always have, always will". Yeah those things, those were great. The missing him 12 hours a day not so much. The wondering who he's with all the time, not so much. Knowing that he was cheating and not being able to prove it because I was home, working, taking care of kids, not so much.

I'm over here addicted to this drug that is him and it's all in my imagination. He never even existed and while I know that I still can't let go of the alternate universe that I loved. The love bombing as they call it in the abuse recovery world was amazing. The little gifts of affection. The music box that says " to my gorgeous wife I loved you then, I love you still, always have, always will". Yeah those things, those were great. The missing him 12 hours a day not so much. The wondering who he's with all the time, not so much. Knowing that he was cheating and not being able to prove it because I was home, working, taking care of kids, not so much.

Yet, here I am. Pining over him. Dealing with all these feelings I don't even want to be feeling.

I just wish I could stop feeling. Why can't I stop feeling??

I quit smoking a year ago and this is making me want to light up. It's ridiculous. The insanity of the whole thing is just ridiculous.

Please Lord. Please let me wake up from this nightmare. I'd like my alternate universe back. But not really.

Have you seen what helplessly watching your mom in a toxic relationship does to kids. I can show you before and after pictures. Pre fake husband, laughter, excitement, playing, huge smiles, post fake husband, self mutilation in the form of cutting, no smiles, depression, anxiety, fear of the unknown, fear of public places, fear of learning new things like driving, fear, fear, and more fear.

I could show you before pictures of me. Fit, healthy, happy, on a career path to climb a corporate ladder, now.... broke, writing a blog no one reads, about a man no one likes, for a marriage that's dead almost wishing I was.

Have you ever hurt so badly because of another person that you just didn't want to be here anymore? Narcissists love that. They get off on that. He get's off on it. I watched it with his mother. He wanted her to hurt, he wanted her to suffer because he had. Now I guess it's my turn. I mean come on if he would do that to his own mother why wouldnt he do it to his lowly, pathetic, selfish, controlling, crybaby ex wife. Right?

I hope that poor girl he's with sees through him before she ends up like me. I feel sorry for her. She probably thinks she found a lost puppy she can help, until he takes every single thing he can get from her.