The Next Chapter - Turning a Corner.

I’ve learned so much about myself and my heart the past few months.

I believe if anything ever happened to someone I truly love, I would write them every day anyway. I’ve basically been doing that abstractly this entire time. Sometimes it’s not even abstract it’s a straight up letter that will never be mailed.

I can put myself out there without really putting myself out there and clear my head at the same time.

Sometimes it doesn’t work that way and it’s not recharging or refreshing at all but that’s ok.

Someone said to me recently I needed to go to therapy. I’ve been. I can’t stand the effects of the medication they want to give and I refuse to take it so I was taught other ways of handling things. Some days are just harder than others. Some days I beg God to take me home and others I thank him for every moment I have on earth. I learned years ago writing helps “get it out” and that thing people say about “you just need to let it go” well that doesn’t happen so shut the FUCK up. However, writing and talking it out that does help you get closer to being able to let it go.

Covid happened and mental health awareness became a new band wagon but I noticed that even though people say they are your friends, they’re not.

Even though they say they’ll be here for you, they aren’t. Out of the hundreds of people I know there are 10 I can count on and as good as they are they have their own stuff going on, and I only talk to 5 of those.

I may die a lonely old animal lady or I may have a rejuvenated relationship or a brand new one. That is all yet to be determined. I could get hit by a bus this afternoon. Whatever happens. However God has this planned out. I’ll get through it because those 10 people love me. Writing through the pain helps me, and hopefully sharing my story helps others.

You see I don’t hate my ex not a bit. Quite the contrary actually. Maybe I should but, I can’t he’s the love of my life he just either didn’t see it or did and took advantage of it. Human nature. No one’s perfect. I forgive him.

If anyone read my journals (the secret ones) they’d see how I get angry and lash out at the specific things that are done or that I’m going through and once I’ve got it out I pray for him then I turn around and write to him about everything.

That’s what I learned in therapy.

Don’t try to force your mainstream methodology on others. You don’t know where they are in their journey. Don’t try to force others where you think they should be. They aren’t you.

I did those things. I those things to him and now he’s gone. I learned the very very hard way there’s a way to be supportive that doesn’t include

forcing your thought processes on others and making them feel insecure, crazy, or not enough. I made things worse trying to force them to be better. You can’t force it.

Thank you to everyone who has listened to me, let me whine and cry on their shoulders, and who has tried to just let me do me through it all. You know who you are and you are loved and appreciated.

I turned a corner yesterday, let’s see where this road takes us.

Xoxo