There is Power in Healing

When you've been through something traumatic there is an undefinable grief that will come along with it. There's nothing anyone can say or do that will help. There is nothing that will change it and there is nothing that will make it any better. There is some truth behind the old saying 'time heals all wounds' but it's not a cut, or a broken bone, so just sitting, waiting, that isn't going to help at all. Sitting, waiting, causes a whole other string of things that can make it worse. It causes overthinking, questioning, and guilt.

This traumatic thing you went through it could be anything for me it was the loss of someone I love. No, they didn't die but at times I almost think that dealing with healing and grief from a death might actually be easier because of the finality there. No, for me it was the end of a marriage. Yes, I'm the one that ended it. I believe that might make it harder as well because having been the one to end it brings a lot of guilt and a whole bunch of "what if's".

If you have ever broken up someone it's different than having them break up with you. For me I stay long after I should've left and I might even leave a few times before I actually stay gone. I'm a 'fixer' and I'm always trying to find something else to fix because I can't walk away until I have the ability to say "I tried everything I could and nothing worked". Its hard for me to get to that point too. People that know me also know that I should've left long before I did but, because my heart and emotions are always in charge my brain gets left out frequently.

It's hard to heal from something you caused. When you see the other person and they're struggling there is a lot of guilt there. When they blame you for the struggles there is a lot more guilt there. Some people don't accept responsibility for their actions and they can't see how relationships take 2 to make it work. It was best explained to me years ago. Relationships are not 50/50 they are 100/100 because, everyone will have a bad day so if you're always giving 100 to your person on that day 100 seems more like 50 it will be ok. When 50 is all you ever give (or less) it can't work. People get tired.

One thing people now days don't understand is 'boundaries' everyone thinks 'they have to accept me for who I am'; there is some truth to that but if who you are crosses a boundary they've set you have to understand and respect that. You can't ask them to change who they are to fit who you are because it's you. I think that's the start of where my relationship went wrong. I tried to accept things that were boundary crossing for me and I tried to change who I was at the core to accept things I didn't like and wasn't comfortable with in my partner. It made us both miserable. I forever wanted them to change and they forever wanted me to accept it and there was never a real compromise not one that worked. 2 stubborn people both saying 'my way, my way' and those 2 ways - very very different.

I tried. I did. Regardless of what some might have said. I tried for 3 times as long as I should have. I stayed many times when I wanted to leave. I read my bible. I prayed for change in me, in him, in my home. It changed. Not the way I wanted though. I prayed for healing and restoration and it came but, I'm doing it alone.

I learned something. Something I hope that I can teach my kids. Something I hope I can hold on to in the future even though I intend to NEVER EVER EVER get involved with anyone again. I learned God is in control and if you marry someone without talking to him about it first, your going to struggle, if you marry someone after you talked to him about it and he told you no, your going to struggle. I did talk to God about it and I didn't want to get married on the day that I did but, I did it anyway. My husband knew it too, he could tell in my voice the night before so he left his bachelor party to come home to make sure I showed up the next day. At the time it seemed like a sweet gesture because of all the stress I was under. Today it seems more like a warning a God from that I ignored.

I never didn't want it to work out. I said the word divorce from the first day we were married. I was never shy using statements like 'if you don't like it go', 'you don't have to be married to me', and 'I don't have to live this way'. My husband thought that once I married him I had to accept everything about him and that meant he could do what he wanted. He still doesn't fully understand that I can love him and not live with him. I can care about him and not take care of him. I can want the best for him and never see him again. The reason for that... I do not have to accept things I am not comfortable with, things that jeopardize how I feel about myself, or I want others to see me.

Guilt by association. Heard of that? I first heard this in high school. I would get in trouble because of the 'people I was with' even though I didn't do anything. That's the life I lived the last few years. People see my husband doing something and since he was my husband I either didn't know about it and they had to tell me or I did and they thought I accepted it. Either way there was a lot a turmoil in our marriage. I didn't want to be seen as a someone who did some of the things he did but I loved him and I wouldn't leave.

1 key thing I did that a lot of women do. I loved his 'potential'. I don't know sometimes if it was him, or what I told myself was him. He smart. I used to call him the nutty professor because he was smart like that for real. He was also absent minded so he may have an amazing idea but the execution got lost in the process. People didn't see that about him because they couldn't get past the absent minded stuff. A lot of people never saw what I saw and couldn't understand me.

Potential will get you trouble. Potential will cause headaches, guilt, insomnia, and a whole host of other problems. You have to love people for who they are not for who you think they can be. You can't fix people. You can't change people. People can change. But.... They have to want to change. You can't do it for them.

As far as the healing goes. It's almost like everything else. 1 day at a time but, I'm having more bad days this month than before. I know what he's saying about me. I know how he talks about me when he's hurt and angry. I know he feels like the victim and I'm the big bad wolf in his eyes and I know he can't see our marriage for what it was because he sees something different. He sees me not giving, me not doing; he doesn't see me exhausted from being mom, wife, working 2 jobs, and trying not to lose myself in the process. Thats ok. That's his healing process.

I'm trying hard to heal for myself and for my boys. I would've loved for things to have gone as I had planned but they didn't. I didn't just give up. I don't have anything to feel guilt over. I'm not petty. I'm not a bitch. I am someone who stood up and said 'enough is enough, I can't do this anymore'. The crazy got too crazy for me. Trying to accept things that were outside my comfort level and crossed my boundaries wore me down. Things like that took a toll. I tried. I did. I lost myself. I gained weight. I lost my self esteem. I lost progress I had made from before.

Sometimes life is about the hard choices. Sometimes life throws you curve balls. Divorce is hard. Breakups are hard. Death is hard. We all lose people in life in some form. Those people who stay friends after a breakup. I envy them. I've never been able to do that. I've never really wanted to do that because of the effects it has on me.

I want the best for the people that have been in my life. I wish that things could have worked out differently. I hurt over it. Every single day. I can't change them.

I don't know how to heal from something I did to myself. I don't know how to not feel guilty about something I had the power to do something about. But. The reality is if both people had given 100 / 100 every day we wouldn't be having this discussion today. So if you ask me, that's healing in and of itself. I'm finally starting to realize that my 100 wasn't enough on it's own and when that was too much to bear I only gave 50 after that we never stood a chance.

Healing comes in stages. It's grief. Look up the stages of grief. Acceptance, bargaining, anger, depression, denial. They don't happen in any order and they can happen more than once. Today. Today I'm somewhere between acceptance and depression. Last week I was bargaining. Last month I was in denial and anger. I don't know where I will be tomorrow, it could change at any time and That's Ok.